I Blacked Out On Malt Liquor, When I Was 13
Cuzzin, this one time … I was visiting my dad in Muckleshoot (south of Seattle). He lived in Skopabsch Village, about two miles from the white man bowling alley. We never actually bowled at the white man bowling alley, just sipped Cherry Coke and searched for our future white wives (I didn't find her, lol).
I was with my cuzzin Kurt (same age) and we were walking back from the white man bowling alley, after yet another unsuccessful night of white wife searching.
Suddenly, from deep within the Duwamish bush, 4 older ndn ruffians appeared, with cases of (stolen?) Schlitz Malt Liquor in their seedy grasp. They were big, too, like 16 year olds.
They told us li'l boys:
"You drink with us, like MEN!"
Me:
"We're 13, yo!"
Biggest guy:
"Do you swallow?"
Me, aghast:
"Dafuq?"
Smallest Guy:
"CAN you swallow? He means."
Me:
"uhhhhhhhhh, yeah?"
Mediumest Guy:
"If you can swallow, you can drink!"
For the next couple hours, they forced me and Kurt to drink Schlitz Malt Liquor, bottle after bottle, right there on the side of the road, on the rez - but it's 2am, so everything is closed and no one is around. That raging Schlitz Malt Liquor bull taunting me with every sip.
What daheck is malt liquor anyways (lol)?
Last thing I remember is staring at that raging Schlitz Malt Liquor bull on the label of what must have been my 8th bottle, then brazenly holding it in the air, and announcing "Cheers to the homeboys!"
Next thing I remember: waking up completely alone, in a ditch, on a rez, one braid completely unbraided, elastic long gone ... and where the hell is my shoe?
I peel my face up off the cement and glance around, everything is still closed - oh yeah, it's Sunday. I see my cuzzin Kurt on a nearby payphone. I pass back out as he starts carrying me.
I come to, and my dad is bringing me into his house. He isn't saying anything, he looks super pissed off. He gently lays me on a pile of dirty clothes shaped to resemble a mattress (his wife was a hoarder, lol).
I meekly say:
"Am .. am I .. in trouble, Dad?"
He says:
"You've already been through enough trouble, my boy."
... he never mentioned it again
