I Fought Mike Tyson … And Won

I’m maxin and relaxin’ with Oli, Bomboose, The Gooch, Kevin Caveman and Pumpkin. We’re in the food court at Park Place Mall in Methbridge, Alberta - a mere 14 hours walk from my rez.

Pumpkin pipes up: “Gih, boys, let’s scope out the mall - see what’s up”

All of us boys: “Gih”

Geez cuzzins, you know, I musta walked Park Place Mall over 669 times. Never buying anything though, just wishing … pretty sure white people call it “window shopping” - maybe I should ask one of ‘em (lol).

Us broke boys, we go into this one store and start browsing.

Holeh, not even 6 seconds of browsing, and the browser police/store clerk gets all weirded out. He rolls his eye, non-Indigenously, sighs heavily and asks “CAN I HELP YOU?”

Bomboose, innocently: “We’re just browsing”

Napikoan Clerk: “Well, you don’t look like browsers”

Me, being a smart ass: “Yeah, well maybe I’m half browser, on my moms side … but The Gooch, he’s a full blood browser”

Just then, we hear Kevin Caveman shout from down the mall hall: “BOYS, BUUK’SII’PUUT … NII’TAA’KIIT” (Get over here, hurry up!)

On the wall of T&P Video Games & Computers is a huge poster:

BEAT MIKE TYSON, SEE MIKE TYSON

The boys all look at me: “O’mahk’siik’iimi, you can beat Mike Tyson”

Me, feeling all badass: “YEAH, $&@?% MIKE TYSON!!!”

… ONE MONTH LATER

It’s fight day, and man am I hyped: “Boy I can’t wait to see Mike”

The ring announcer: “In this corner, in the medicine wheel trunks, wearing in at a mere 92 pounds, the challenger, Jason “Tight Braids” EagleSpeaker”

Everyone boos.

The ring announcer: "In this corner, in the black on black trunks, the undisputed heavyweight champ of the world, Ironnnn Miiiiike Tyyyyyson!!!"

Everyone loses it.

I came out hustling, sliding and grabbing, slipping and dipping, hustling and jabbing. Mike zigged when he should have zagged, he forgot to stick and move and rope a dope. I summon the fury of the ancestorest of my ancestors - aka “give ‘em the old Rez Razzle Dazzle” - and catch Mike with an uppercut that sends him clear back to the hills of the Catskills.

The crowd goes wild.

The ring referee doesn’t even bother counting as he watches Mike fly clear out of the stadium.

Just then the T&P Video Games & Computers clerk shuts off the 17 inch wood panel tv and grabs the still smoking Nintendo Entertainment System controller from my powerful grasp. He turns me around to face the huge crowd of, I’d say, 99% percent white people. They lose it, cheering for me, jumping up and down, hooting and hollering and heehawing, or whatever they do.

As we all know, white peoples can a little too get excited (pretty sure it’s science). This one white dude, he tries to lift me onto his shoulders, so of course I pull back and instantly go full rez ndn on him:

“Napikoan, you better back the $?&@% up, before you get smacked the $?&@% up!”

The T&P Video Games & Computers clerk, he holds my arm up and announces:

“The undisputed champion of the T&P Video Games & Computer’s Mike Tyson’s Punch Out Video Games Tournament - and winner of ringside seats to see Mike Tyson fight in Edmonton - Jason “Tight Braids” EagleSpeaker!!!”

Here’s the “funny” part: Mike Tyson couldn’t get across the Canadian border for the fight, so it was cancelled. I went back to that friggin’ T&P Video Games & Computers clerk and asked what I win instead.

He says: “nothing”